The world loves to tell us what the holidays are supposed to feel like:
joyful, cozy, grateful, together.
But if you’re grieving, the holidays can feel like a spotlight on everything and everyone that isn’t here.
I don’t write this from the outside looking in.
I lost my dad in 2016, and twin boys at birth over twenty years ago. They are still with me. There are years when the holidays feel tender, when certain songs, traditions, or quiet moments make my chest ache in ways I can’t easily put into words.
There are times it’s hard to “be out there” with my grief — especially in a season that so often expects us to be cheerful, social, and “over it.” It can feel easier to tuck those parts away than risk making others uncomfortable.
If any of that resonates with you, this blog is for you.
My hope is that it gives your grief a place to breathe.
I want you to know: I see you. Your grief is yours, and it is real.
Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline
Maybe your loss is recent and raw.
Maybe it happened ten, twenty, even forty years ago.
Maybe the person you’re grieving is still alive, but the relationship has changed through estrangement, illness, addiction, or separation.
Whatever your story is, one thing is true:
Grief doesn’t have a timeline.
It doesn’t check the calendar.
It doesn’t follow the rules of “enough time has passed.”
It certainly doesn’t pack itself away neatly when everyone else starts decorating and playing holiday music.
Grief might be a loss from this year, or from decades ago that still catches in your throat at the holidays. However long it’s been, your grieving process is yours — and it’s valid.
Grief Doesn’t Expire (Even If the World Acts Like It Should)
We’re often taught to imagine grief as a straight line:
Loss → intense pain → some tears → “closure” → back to normal.
But grief is not a project you complete. It’s a relationship with what (and who) has been lost.
You might notice:
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A fresh wave of grief years after the loss
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Feeling unexpectedly emotional over small things (a song, a smell, a commercial)
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Feeling numb, disconnected, or “out of it” when you think you’re supposed to feel joy
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Guilt for laughing, enjoying yourself, or “not thinking about it” for a while
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A deep ache that shows up around anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays
None of this means you’re “stuck.”
It means your love has outlived the presence of the person or life you once had — and your body, brain, and heart are still learning how to live with that.
Whether your loss was this year or decades ago, your grief is real. There is no expiry date on missing someone.
Why the Holidays Can Feel So Intense
The holidays often come with:
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Routines and rituals – traditions you used to share with the person you’re grieving
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Pressure to be “okay” – expectations to be cheerful, social, or “festive”
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Constant reminders – family photos, empty chairs, changed dynamics, social media highlights
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Comparisons – feeling like everyone else is thriving while you’re just trying to get through the day
Grief can also show up physically:
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Exhaustion
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Trouble sleeping
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Tightness in your chest or throat
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Feeling wired, on edge, or “shut down”
Your nervous system is doing its best to process the reality of your loss while also navigating a season that is loud, busy, and emotionally charged.
There’s No “Right” Way to Grieve
You might notice yourself:
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Wanting to keep every tradition exactly the same
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Wanting to change everything because it hurts too much
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Craving company one moment and solitude the next
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Feeling angry at how life has changed
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Feeling guilty for any moment that doesn’t hurt as much
All of these are normal responses to loss.
There is no “correct” amount of time to grieve, no “appropriate” level of sadness, no single way you are supposed to feel at five months, five years, or twenty-five years.
Your grief will move at the pace your nervous system can handle — not at the pace others expect from you.
Practical Ways to Care for Yourself This Holiday
These are gentle ideas you can experiment with. Take what fits; leave what doesn’t.
1. Give yourself permission, not pressure
You are allowed to:
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Say no to events that feel too overwhelming
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Leave early if your body or heart says, “I’m done”
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Sit out certain traditions this year
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Cry, laugh, be quiet, be messy, or feel numb
A helpful internal statement might be:
“It makes sense that this feels hard. I’m allowed to move through this at my own pace.”
2. Create a ritual to honour your loss
Rituals give grief somewhere to go. You might:
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Light a candle at a certain time each day or evening
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Make or order a favourite meal in their honour
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Set out an ornament, photo, or object that reminds you of them
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Share a story or memory with someone you trust
These practices don’t erase the pain. They can, however, bring a sense of meaning and connection into it.
3. Adjust expectations (for yourself and others)
You don’t have to show up as the same version of yourself you were before this loss.
You might say to trusted people:
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“I’d like to come, but I may need to leave early.”
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“I’m not sure how I’ll feel that day — can we keep it flexible?”
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“This time of year is hard for me. I might be quieter than usual.”
Your worth is not measured by your level of “festive spirit.”
4. Take care of your nervous system
When a wave hits:
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Feel your feet on the ground
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Place a hand on your chest or back and notice your breath
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Take slower exhales than inhales
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Sit with a warm drink, a blanket, or something soft or grounding to hold
These don’t “fix” grief, but they can help your body feel a little safer while it moves through the feelings.
5. Reach for support
Grief is incredibly heavy to carry alone.
Support can look like:
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A friend who will sit with you and not rush your feelings
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A support group where you can talk with others who “get it”
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A therapist who can help you navigate both the loss and the impact it’s had on your life, relationships, and nervous system
You don’t have to protect everyone else from your pain. You are allowed to be the one who needs care.
If You’re Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
You might be reading this as the friend, partner, or family member.
It’s common to worry about:
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Saying the wrong thing
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Bringing up the loss and “making it worse”
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Not doing enough to help
You don’t have to have perfect words to be supportive. Often, it’s the small, steady gestures that matter most.
Some simple, supportive phrases can be:
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“I know this time of year is hard. I’m thinking of you.”
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“You don’t have to be ‘on’ with me. However you are is okay.”
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“Would you like some company, or would space feel better today?”
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“I don’t have the perfect words, but I care about you and I’m here.”
You don’t need a speech. You just need to show up with honesty and care.
What not to say (and why it hurts)
Most people don’t mean to be unkind. They’re often uncomfortable, unsure, or desperate to make things feel “better.” But certain phrases can land as minimizing, blaming, or shaming — especially over the holidays.
Some examples to avoid:
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“It’s been 10 years and you’re still suffering?”
Grief doesn’t have an expiry date. Comments like this suggest there is something wrong with them for still feeling pain, instead of recognizing how deep the loss runs. -
“You should be over this by now.” / “It’s time to move on.”
These phrases imply that grief is something to complete on a deadline. They can make the person feel broken, behind, or like their love is inconvenient. -
“At least…” statements
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“At least they lived a long life.”
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“At least you have other children.”
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“At least you know they’re in a better place.”
Anything that starts with “at least” usually steps over pain in order to find a silver lining. The intention may be comfort; the impact is often dismissal.
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
This can feel invalidating, especially when the loss was traumatic, sudden, or preventable. Some people find comfort in spiritual or meaning-making beliefs; others feel blamed or silenced by them. -
“You need to…” or “You should…” advice
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“You need to stay strong.”
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“You should get rid of their things.”
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“You need to keep busy.”
Directive statements can make the griever feel like they’re doing it “wrong” and shut down their own internal sense of what they need.
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Instead of telling someone what to do or how to feel, try:
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“How are you really doing with all of this?”
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“What feels hardest about this time of year?”
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“Is there anything that would feel supportive right now?”
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“I don’t have the right words, but I care about you and I’m here.”
The goal isn’t to fix or speed up their grief. It’s to offer a relationship where their feelings are allowed to exist — without being judged, minimized, or rushed.
A Gentle Reminder
If this holiday season feels tender, blurry, or painful, there is nothing wrong with you.
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You are not “too much” for still grieving.
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You are not “broken” for struggling years after your loss.
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You are not failing just because you can’t match the energy of the season.
Grief does not operate on a calendar.
Your love didn’t end when the person (or life you imagined) was lost — and your grief doesn’t end on anyone else’s schedule either.
Your pace, your way of remembering, your moments of laughter and your moments of tears…
They all belong.
How We Can Support You
If you’re finding that grief feels especially intense this holiday season, you don’t have to navigate it on your own.
At evolve Psychotherapy & Consulting Group Inc., our therapists are highly experienced in walking alongside people who are grieving. Many of us have sat with our own losses, and we sit with grief in the therapy room every day. We understand how complicated it can feel — the love, the anger, the numbness, the guilt, the “I should be over this by now.”
We offer trauma-focused, depth-oriented therapy that makes room for all of it:
the part of you that’s still hurting, the part that’s trying to keep going, and the part that isn’t sure what it needs yet.
If you’re looking for a place where your grief is allowed to show up exactly as it is, we’re here.
You’re welcome to reach out to our team to learn more or to book a time to talk.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
