Reclaiming the Self: Healing from Self-Abandonment
In the rush of daily life, it’s easy to overlook the quiet ways we distance ourselves from who we truly are.
Self-abandonment isn’t always obvious—it’s often subtle, emerging through ignored needs, saying yes when we want to say no, silenced desires, or compromises that leave us feeling unfulfilled.
Over time, this detachment from the true self can lead to a profound sense of disconnection, as though we’ve lost touch with the most authentic parts of ourselves, leaving us wondering ‘who am I’?
The good news is that self-abandonment can be unlearned. With intention and care, we can reclaim our sense of self and move toward a life of deeper authenticity and fulfillment.
What is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment occurs when we prioritize others’ expectations, feelings, needs, or opinions over our own, often at the expense of our emotional, mental, or physical wellbeing.
It can show up as:
• People-Pleasing: seeking validation from others, saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
• Neglecting Self-Care: Ignoring basic needs, such as rest, nourishment, or emotional support.
• Disconnection from Intuition and true feelings: Second-guessing or dismissing your feelings or making decisions that don’t align with your values.
• Suppressing Authenticity: Hiding parts of yourself to avoid rejection or judgment. While these behaviors may serve as coping mechanisms, they ultimately lead to feelings of emptiness, resentment, or confusion about who you are and what you want.
Why Do We Abandon Ourselves?
Self-abandonment often stems from early experiences. Many of us learn to prioritize others over ourselves as a way to secure love, approval, or safety. Cultural messages can also play a role, teaching us that self-sacrifice is noble while self-care is selfish. Over time, these patterns become ingrained, and we lose the ability to advocate for our own needs.
Additionally, self-abandonment can be a response to trauma. When faced with rejection, criticism, or emotional neglect, abandoning our needs may feel like the safest way to protect ourselves from further pain.
Recognizing the Signs of Self-Abandonment
The first step in reclaiming yourself is recognizing when and how you’ve been abandoning your needs.
Here are some signs:
• Chronic Burnout: Feeling constantly depleted from over-giving or over-committing.
• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Feeling guilt or fear when saying “no.”
• Emotional Numbness: Struggling to identify your own feelings or preferences.
• Self-Criticism: An internal dialogue dominated by harsh judgments or unrealistic expectations.
• Feeling Lost: A pervasive sense that you don’t know who you are or what you want.
What are some other ways in which you abandon yourself?
Reclaiming the Self: Steps Toward Healing
Healing from self-abandonment is a journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. It’s about turning inward and learning to honor your needs, desires, and boundaries.
Here are some steps to guide you:
Reconnect with Your Inner World
This can feel unsettling or even scary if you have been living disconnected from your emotions and inner world. We can feel like we have been on ‘auto pilot’ for so long that we have little to no awareness of how we are feeling or thinking. Go slow and begin by tuning into your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations once per day and increase the frequency with time. By setting an intention to ‘check in’ with ourselves, we can rebuild this connection to who we really are.
Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now? Can I identify it? If not, that is ok. Using an emotions wheel can help to get started.
- Where do I feel it? Can I be with this feeling and breathe or is it too intense for me right now? If too intense, can you find ways to self soothe?
- Often clients will say doing something mindful can help- talk with a friend, get outside, wrap yourself in a blanket, etc.
- Support from a licensed therapist can help you start to notice, feel and cope with emotions and self beliefs that may be connected to distressing or childhood events. Always remember, you don’t have to do this alone.
Challenge Self-Critical Narratives
Paying attention to your inner dialogue is key but we can’t fix what we are not aware of. We have to observe our self-talk first. Go slow, this takes time! You wouldn’t expect to be able to speak a diVerent language overnight, so keep your expectations for change reasonable. First notice, observe without judgement (hard to do!) and work towards replacing old self critical narratives to something more neutral. Keep in mind that changing our inner dialogue takes repetition and perseverance! Be patient with yourself.
You could ask yourself:
- How am I being critical of myself right now? What am I telling myself about me in this moment? Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” try reframing it as, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough.” Self-compassion meditations like RAIN by Tara Brach, can help you get started. (Source: chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://www.tarabrach.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf/RAIN-of-Self-Compassion2.pdf)
Set and Maintain Boundaries
Learning to say “no” is an act of self-respect and hard to do if you have been overriding your boundaries for a long time. Maybe you have never been able to say 'no' or set a boundary for safety reasons as a child. It can feel scary and often we worry we might lose others in the process. People who are used to us having no or little boundaries will indeed be upset initially. The idea of 'storm before they norm' comes to mind. None of us like change- we expect others to keep showing up for us as they always have. When this changes, we might 'storm' or be upset initially, but eventually we will 'norm' or settle into the new normal. Sometimes this does include changes or endings of relationships that don't respect our new found confidence in asking for what we need.
Talking with a therapist about what gets in your way to setting boundaries with friends, colleagues and family is a good start to building your self esteem and understanding yourself. Start small by setting boundaries in situations that have lower risk for you socially/emotionally, and gradually build your confidence in asserting your needs.
Prioritize Self-Care
Reclaiming yourself means treating your needs as valid and essential. Create routines that nourish your body, mind, and soul. This could include physical exercise, increased sleep, resting when you feel tired, engaging in creative activities, or spending time in nature. It doesn't have to take hours. Being intentional is key. You can have an impact on self by being intentional in not reading feeds in social media that make you question yourself. It could be an affirmation about self at the beginning of the day and carrying it with you in your day as a reminder that "I am ok as I am".
Honor Your Desires
Give yourself permission to want things—for no other reason than they make you happy. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, spending time alone, or taking a new career path, following your desires is an essential part of reconnecting with your authentic self.
Seek Support
Healing is not a solitary journey. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who encourage and celebrate your growth.
Embracing Your Authentic Self
Reclaiming yourself is not about becoming someone new; it’s about remembering who you’ve always been beneath the layers of expectation, fear, and self-doubt.
It’s about learning to stand firmly in your truth, even when it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. This process takes time and patience. Along the way, you may stumble or revert to old habits—but every step forward is a victory.
As you rebuild your relationship with yourself, you’ll discover a deeper sense of peace and purpose. You’ll learn that your worth is not contingent on what you do for others but rooted in the profound truth that you are enough just as you are.
In reclaiming yourself, you give the world the greatest gift of all: the fullest expression of who you truly are. And in doing so, you invite others to do the same.
Written by: Wendy Pearson HBA, MEd, RP, CEO and Clinical Director of evolve Psychotherapy and Consulting Group Inc.
Our clinic provides timely and impactful psychotherapy and counseling for individuals, families and children.
Our experienced therapists are here for you. Reach out to us. We can help.
W: evolvegroupinc.net E: therapy@evolvegroupinc.net P: 519-639-4698
